


Trust Issues

by Twyd



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Amnesia, Attraction, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Relationship, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Head Injury, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Pre-Slash, Romance, Slash, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 22:47:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11746776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twyd/pseuds/Twyd
Summary: Izaya hits his head and has a spot of amnesia. And Shizuo's not going to take advantage of this. He's not.





	Trust Issues

Shizuo winces when Izaya goes down. He hates the flea, but he can’t help cringing in sympathy when someone hits their head that hard.Shizuo waits for him to get up, but the flea stays where he’d fallen in a crumpled heap.

“Izaya…?”

Shizuo steps forward cautiously. There’s a good chance Izaya could just be messing with him.

“Izaya?” he tries again, when he’s close enough to touch.

The informant groans and doesn’t move. Shizuo hovers over him uncertainly, too principled to hurt him or run, too awkward to help. Izaya tips his head up to look at him.

“What happened?”

“You hit your head. You should probably see Shinra.”

“Who?”

“Shinra?”

Izaya looks blank. Shizuo thinks he must have misheard him until he says,

“Who’s Shinra?”

He waits for the laughter, but Izaya seems completely serious.

“He’s – you’re – are you winding me up?”

izaya just looks confused. If he is pretending, he’s doing a very good job of it.

“Shinra’s a doctor. He’s your friend.”

“Right,” Izaya says. He sits up slowly. He doesn’t look any less confused. “And, who are you?”

Shizuo stares at him.

“Do you know who _you_ are?”

Izaya’s face changes as he realises.

“OK,” Shizuo says quickly. “Don’t freak out. You’ve just hit your head. You’ll probably be fine in a few minutes.”

Or a few hours, or a few days. How do these things work, anyway?

“Why can’t I remember who I am?” Izaya says. “Who are you?”

“You’re Orihara Izaya, you’re 23 years old, you’re an informant, you live in Shinjuku, you have younger twin sisters, your birthday is May 8th, you're ambidextrous but your right wrist is weaker from when you fractured it, you like cats but not dogs and high buildings.” Izaya is staring at him. “I’m Shizuo. I’ve known you since high school, and I’m friends with Shinra as well,” he says.

“You…sound like you know me quite well.”

“Well…” He supposes he does. Keep your enemies close and all that.

“Can you take me to Shinra’s?”

“...Of course."

 _Why am I doing this,_ he thinks. He _wouldn’t do this if it were me. He'd put me on a boat to Somalia. But I’m not him._

“Can you not tell anyone else about this?” Izaya says now. A bruise is starting to form where he fell. “I mean, I have no idea who I can trust except for you and – and Shinra.”

Shizuo opens his mouth to tell him he can’t really trust _him_ either, but thinks better of it. It won’t really help the situation.

He’s relieved when Izaya appears to trust Shinra, after Shizuo explains the situation. Perhaps he subconsciously recognises the other man. Shizuo leaves Izaya there so he can go to work. Perhaps everything will be back to normal when he sees Izaya again.

* * *

 

It’s weird to get a call from Izaya. Seeing the informant’s name on his phone is never a good thing. He takes a deep breath and answers.

“Izaya.”

“Hi.”

Shizuo can tell at once by his tone that Izaya still can’t remember who he is.

“I just wanted to thank you. For the other day.”

“You still can’t remember, huh?”

“How come you can tell just like that?” he says. “You must know me even better than Shinra.”

“No, no,” Shizuo says awkwardly. “Are you with Shinra now?”

“No, I’m at home. I started remembering things and feeling better.” He pauses. “I just wanted to speak to someone familiar. Even though I can’t remember you, I sort of… _know_. You know?”

“Er,” Shizuo says. He has no idea how to handle this situation. He doesn’t want to take advantage of it. Whatever the informant’s put him through,  Shizuo doesn’t want to do that to him. “Well, it sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress in a short amount of time. I bet you’ll be completely normal in a few days. Did Shinra say how long?”

“Hm, he just said to wait and see. He said he’ll keep an eye on me. What happened, by the way?”

“What?”

“How did I hit my head? I was with you when it happened, right?”

“You were, but... you were a little ways ahead of me. I didn’t see what happened.”

_You were running like hell to get away from me._

“Oh. Never mind. I guess I just…wasn’t looking where I was going.”

* * *

 

Izaya calls him quite a lot after that. Well, not a lot. Just now and then, with small things.

' _Do I know this person? Do I have an apartment in this neighbourhood_?'

Shizuo answers when he can, uncomfortable but not knowing what else to do. He hints once or twice that Izaya should ask Shinra instead, but he doesn't seem to take this on board. It gets to the point where Shizuo is almost used to hearing from him. Almost.

“Hey,” Izaya says good-naturedly, the next time he calls. “How’s it going?”

“Good?” Shizuo is still trying tt not sound weird on the phone. He can’t get used to Izaya being civil to him. “How are you?”

“I’m OK!” He sounds brighter, more sure of himself than he had been last week. “I remember everything now, I’m sure I do, except for you. Isn’t that funny? It’s just one of those things. Shinra keeps saying I shouldn’t bother you about it. He gets weird whenever it comes up. Do you not get on with him or something?”

“Er,” Shizuo says. “So you don’t remember how we know each other?”

“Well, no, but does it matter? We’re clearly friends. It’ll come back to me eventually.”

Shizuo opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. _We’re clearly friends._ On the other end of the phone, Izaya is oblivious.

“Well, I have to go. I’ll see you round.”

Shizuo’s still staring at his phone long after he hangs up. Then he snaps out of it and calls Shinra.

“You _have_  to tell him,” he says to Shinra. “Seriously. One of his enemies is going to catch on that something’s up with him and do something.”

Shinra groans.

“He _called_ you? I keep telling him not to. I’m really sorry, Shizuo. He’s almost back to normal. It’s just a few blank spots.”

“Then tell him,” Shizuo insists. “Fill in the blank spots for him.”

“Are you sure?” Shinra says. “I thought he was being nice to you?”

“Well, he is, but…” Shizuo’s voice trails off. Izaya _is_ being nice to him.

“I thought you’d just want to enjoy the peace a little longer,” Shinra says. “So long as he’s not pestering you to hang out or anything.”

“No, he’s not doing that,” Shizuo says. “But you can’t just let him think we’re friends, Shinra. It’d be so…unethical.”

He nearly face-palms himself at the word, remembering who he’s talking to. He can practically hear Shinra shrugging.

“I know you’re too soft to do anything,” he says tactlessly. “You were even saying about his enemies hurting him before. Look, if anything, this could be a good thing. It could be a fresh start for you two.”

“Yeah, right. Until he remembers, and we’ll both have hell to pay.”

“Unless he never remembers,” Shinra counters. “It happens. Especially if you give him…new memories.”

“And what are the odds of _that_ happening?”

“Well…”

“Exactly,” he says. “It’s only a matter of time before he talks to someone or he sees a stream of us fighting or something.”

“You’re probably right,” Shinra sighs. “Well, enjoy it while you can, I guess.”

* * *

 

Shinra still doesn't intervene, however. Shizuo thinks he has, when the informant doesn't call for a few days, until Izaya actually comes over.

“Hey,” Shizuo says. He struggles to mask his surprise. “So you remembered where I live, huh? That’s progress.”

“Yes.” Izaya doesn’t smile. “Can I come in?”

 _No_ , his instincts say. But, Izaya looks troubled, not malicious. He clearly still doesn’t have a clue who Shizuo is.

“Sure.”

He sits Izaya on his couch and goes to make tea. _Weird, this is so weird_. It occurs to him that Izaya could be faking, but he quickly dismisses this. If he has even an inkling of this, he will kill Izaya so fast he won’t even have time to smirk.

“Shinra says we don’t like each other,” Izaya says bluntly, when Shizuo brings him his tea.

 _Oh_. This he did not expect.

“Is that true?”

“Um…” he feels Izaya staring at him, and he's unable to lie. “Well, yes.”

“Oh.” Izaya sounds surprised, like this is new information. “I thought we were…I don’t know. I don’t get it. Why don’t we like each other?”

Shizuo has to look away from his questioning eyes. He seems so _nice_. Shizuo struggles to come up with an answer.

“I can’t really remember. We just don’t. Personality clash.”

Izaya is frowning. Hhis tea goes untouched in his hands.

“So nothing happened?” He persists. “There wasn’t a fight over a girl or something like that?”

“No, no girls..."

_I just didn’t like the look of you._

“I have a bit of a temper,” Shizuo says, when Izaya seems to need some sort of answer. “I think you wound me up a few times.”

“Really?” Izaya looks so upset, Shizuo almost feels like _he_ is the bad guy. He tries and fails to remember everything the informant has done to him.  “I’m sorry about that. I don’t remember at all. I don’t know why I’d be like that.”

“It’s OK,” Shizuo says, unable to stand the look on his face. “Really. It’s nothing to worry about.”

Izaya looks unconvinced.

“But we don’t like each other?”

“I…I like anyone so long as they don’t give me any problems,” he dodges, which is technically true.

“OK,” Izaya says. He puts down his untouched tea. “Thanks. I just wanted to clear that up. I’ll leave you in peace.”

“Hey, don’t feel bad, Izaya,” Shizuo blurts. _What are you doing_ , he thinks as Izaya looks at him hopefully. _Just let him go._ “I mean, it’s a scary situation you’re in, not being able to remember. If it helps, you can – you can still ask me anything or talk to me any time you want.”

This seems to brighten him a little.

“Really?”

“Sure.”

_Right up until you’re yourself again, and you feel the need to make my life a living hell._

“Thanks.” He looks relieved. Then he frowns. “Hey, we weren’t having a fight when I hit my head, were we?”

“Well, um, yes, actually. I’m really sorry. You usually never get hurt- “

“ _Usually_?”

“You’ve hurt me sometimes as well,” he says defensively, before remembering the delicacy of the situation. He’s still trying to think of something diplomatic to say when Izaya says,

“So you’ve only been talking to me the past few days because you felt bad?”

“No, no, that’s not true at all,” he says, though it is, and they can both hear in his voice that it is.

Izaya’s eyes are narrowed.  He looks almost like his old self. _Almost_ , except there’s an unmistakable look of hurt in his eyes.

“Izaya…there’s no reason for us not to get on,” Shizuo says carefully. “You’re making progress every day. You’re gonna wake up one day soon and everything will be back to normal. And there’s nothing wrong with us getting on in the meantime. Or after.”

He doesn’t know where this last part comes from.

“Hm. I hope so.” Izaya stands up, eyes narrowed with disappointment. “Well, thanks for being so nice, I suppose. I won’t call you again.”

“You can if you want to.”

“No, it’s OK. You’ve done enough.” His voice sounds funny. He gives a sudden sigh. “I wish you’d just _told_ me,” he says. “I need to know who’s on my side and who isn’t.”

“I’m on your side,” Shizuo protests, which he knows he'll regret at once if Izaya happens to remember this conversation when he is himself again. “I don’t mind helping you. Really.”

Izaya picks up his cup and finally takes a sip, eyes sliding over to Shizuo to study him over the rim.

“Hm. It seems a lot of people don’t like me.”

Shizuo just looks at him helplessly.

He puts his cup down and shrugs.

“Oh, well. Bye.”

* * *

 

Izaya doesn’t call him again.

Shizuo doesn’t miss him. He _doesn’t._ It was depressing to have phone calls with someone about their memories, helping them fill in the gaps, like a preview to dementia in later life. And he definitely doesn’t miss the fights. He doesn’t miss having someone to chase and throw things at when he’s in a bad mood.

But that doesn’t explain the feeling he gets when he next sees Izaya, not to fight him or hit his own forehead with his hand in exasperation, just plain relief.

“Hey.”

“Hello.”

Izaya seems pleased to see him as well.

“How’ve you been?”

“Better, I suppose,” he says. “Still don’t remember everything, but…” he shrugs. “I think I remember everything that matters.”

Shizuo wants desperately to agree with him.

“I was so sad when Shinra says we don’t like each other,” he says suddenly. Up close, Shizuo can see his eyes are chestnut brown, not red. “I don’t know why. You just seem so nice.”

Shizuo tears his own eyes away and takes a deep breath.

“The thing is.” He has to be very careful what he says here. “You won’t like me when you remember. You’ll hate me.”

“How could I hate you?”

“You just…do. And if I took advantage of the way you are now, it’d be like taking advantage of someone who’s really drunk.”

Izaya thinks about this for a moment.

“It’s that bad, hm,” he muses. “You know what, Shizuo, I think there’s something you’re not telling me here.”

There’s a _lot_ Shizuo’s not telling him, years worth of fights, but he wouldn’t know where to start.

“I’m not keeping anything from you,” he says.

“If I’m as bad as everyone says, maybe I _deserve_ to have someone take advantage of me.”

“Oh no, you don’t, you don’t.”

 _Don’t say that_ , Shizuo thinks, and he’s not even sure what he’s so scared of, he just knows he’s in very dangerous waters here, and he doesn't want permission for something Izaya's in no shape to give.

“Sure you’re not keeping anything from me?” Izaya persists. “Because it seems there must be more to it than just not liking each other. We seem to know a mighty lot about each other if that’s the case.

“I’m not lying to you, Izaya, I just- “

Izaya kisses him suddenly to shut him up. Presses his lips against his, slowly, slowly, testing him. He draws back slowly, gauging Shizuo’s reaction.

“I’ve got it wrong, haven’t I,” he says. “It wasn’t that.”

“…”

“Shizuo?”

* * *

 

 _It’s not unethical_ , Shizuo tells himself. Weeks, months down the line, he keeps telling himself this. _It’s just like Shinra says, it’s a chance for a fresh start_.

Izaya himself doesn’t question things too closely. He just seems happy with things the way they are. Shizuo’s sure Namie, Kida, other people must have dropped hints – _more_ than hints – but it’s just like water off a duck’s back.

“I can tell when people don’t like me,” Izaya says dismissively. “I don’t believe a word they say.I don’t need perfect memories for that.”

Shizuo hopes this holds true.

“I hope you never remember, y’know,” he murmurs into Izaya’s hair one night. They’d been at Shinra’s for his birthday, and he’s a little drunk. “Things are so good the way they are. I can’t believe we used to be so awful to each other.”

“I know right,” Izaya says sleepily. “Thank God that’s over.”

It takes Shizuo’s inebriated brain to process this.

“…what?”

“-What?” There’s a little hitch in Izaya’s voice. “Go to sleep.”

He should. Part of him wants to, but he can’t. He sits up slowly. Izaya does also, shifting out of his arms and turning reluctantly to face him, an immistakable look of guilt in his eyes.

“You _remember_.”

“It’s not what you think, Shizuo.”

“You’ve been playing me all this fucking time- “

“No, no,” He jumps off the bed and starts backing away. “I started to remember gradually, when we- “

“You’re lying.” Before he knows it he’s also off the bed, and he’s so mad he can hardly breathe. “I can’t believe it. Actually, I can. Of course I can. I should have seen it coming, you fucking bastard.”

“Don’t yell at me,” Izaya says, although Shizuo hasn’t raised his voice. He is still backing away in the t-shirt and pants he sleeps in, barefoot, hair mussed from sleep and sex, and he looks so damn handsome and it's so cruel and _unfair_ that it makes him furious.

Izaya sees and doesn’t even try for the door – he jumps out the window, lands on his bare feet with barely a stagger and takes off into the night. Shizuo stares after him, breathing hard. Every cell is straining to leap after him and run him down, but what’s the point, he’s never been able to catch Izaya before. He slams the window shut so hard it cracks.

* * *

 

Shinra calls the next morning.

“So, it happened.”

Shiizuo nearly drops the phone in shock.

“You knew? How could you, you fucking asshole?!”

“It’s not what you think, Shizuo,” Shinra says, in his doctor-mode voice. “You seem to think Izaya would just wake up one days and go, ‘oh, hey, I actually hate you.’ It’s actually a very gradual and drawn out process, especially when it involves complicated emotions- “

“ _Complicated emotions_?” Shizuo splutters. “What’s complicated about it, he hates me!”

“He doesn’t,” Shinra says, with infinite patience. “Look, you knew this was on the cards, you knew he might start to remember.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d go along with him fucking deceiving me- “

“He started to remember long after you’d started sleeping together,” Shinra interrupts. “And he came here because he was confused as hell. Can you imagine what it’s like to have flashbacks of violence from someone you’re in a relationship with?”

Shizuo can’t think of what to say.

Shinra sighs.

“I swear, I have been like a fucking relationship therapist these past few months. He’s been trying to understand things. You can ask Celty if you don’t believe me.”

Shizuo swallows as he begins to understand.

“Do you really mean that?”

“ _Yes_.”

_Oh, shit._

“Oh, shit,” he says. “This is bad. I made him jump out of my apartment window. I don’t think he’ll come near me ever again.”

“He knew violence was on the cards,” Shinra says. He sounds exasperated of the whole thing.

“I need to speak to him. Do you know where I can find him?”

“ I _know_ he’ll be lying low for a while, so don’t even bother with his apartment or any of his usual haunts.”

 _Damn_.

“So what am I supposed to do?”

“Give it time,” Shinra advises. “He won’t leave it too long, even if he thinks you want to kill him.”

* * *

 

Shizuo hates waiting. He hates not being able to do something about a problem. He retrieves Izaya's ring he'd left behind that he'd thrown in the trash, and waits.

He leaves Izaya voicemails when he doesn’t answer his phone, to let him know the story, in case it makes Izaya come and find him sooner. He doesn’t leave it too long.

Shizuo's walking home one night when Izaya drops to the ground a little distance away, ninja-like.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

They stare at each other, Izaya’s stance inches away from a fighting one.

“You spoke to Shinra.”

He says it almost sarcastically.

“Yes,” Shizuo says. “You remember everything now?”

“I don’t know.”

“…You don’t know?”

“Nope,” he says. “If I don’t remember something, how am I supposed to know that I don’t remember it?”

Shizuo says nothing for a moment.

“But you remember how we met? You remember everything with me since school?”

“Yes,” he says quietly.

Shizuo waits.

“How do you feel?”

Izaya gives an unhinged little laugh, and the sound of it makes Shizuo step back.

“How do I _feel_?”

He hears the metallic sound of his knife being withdrawn.

“You know what I mean.”

He swallows uncomfortably. His survival instinct is fighting a very hard battle with his protective one. Izaya looks like he hasn’t slept since he jumped out of Shizuo’s window.

“I _feel_ like you do when you remember you’ve liked someone for a long time, and then they like you back, but then they hate you all over again.”

Shizuo’s breath catches in his throat.

Izaya sighs then and throws his knife a few feet away. It makes a metallic sound as it bounces off the ground. He looks at Shizuo with his arms akimbo, annoyed, like he’s been caught out. Then he steps forward.

“Um, you normally carry two or three of those.”

Izaya rolls his eyes, but digs into his jacket and drops another two knives. He approaches Shizuo again.

Shizuo lets him, feeling something loosen inside him as he draws Izaya close.

Right up until he feels a blade pressed into the back of his neck.

“Or four.”

Shizuo can hear the smirk in his voice. He holds it there for a moment, Shizuo stiff in his arms, before it’s moved away, and Shizuo hears another little clink as it’s thrown a few feet away.

Shizuo draws back slowly to look at him.

He has a familiar smirk on his face.

“Very funny,” Shizuo says. “Got any more on you?"

"I might." His smirk widens. "But if you trust me, it doesn't really matter."

Shizuo considers this.

"No," he says. "It doesn't."


End file.
